Doris Does Salad - my life in porn
Bloody hell - I’d almost forgotten that I was ever in Au Pair Girls.
To be honest , it was a bit of a box office flop. The plot was pretty basic too : a load of foreign crumpet gets flown in and causes a commotion in the trouser department of various repressed civil servant types. Hardly Citizen Kane but it paid for a bubble perm.
It also got me noticed by a dodgy Soho-based film director called Monty Hoffman, who was making a killing from ( what we used to call ) stag films. And I’m not talking Bambi !
Hoffman wanted to make a film starring the two hottest ’ adult ’ stars of the day : John Holmes and Mary Millington. And he wanted me to be in it too.
John Holmes was the son of property magnate Barrett and was reputed to have an enormous ” endowment ” . In fact he was hung like a field mouse and had fooled everyone by making a false member for himself entirely out of marzipan.
Mary Millington was a sweet girl but was plagued by emotional and mental problems. She suffered from Nymphomania , Kleptomania and Rollermania. It meant that she would shag anything in tartan and then steal their wallets afterwards.
Hoffman’s film was set in the seedy world of London’s randy bus conductors and was called ” Room On Top ”. At that time the adult film industry in England was in it’s infancy and films like the Confessions series tried to combine full frontal nudity and slapstick comedy in one package. You could be pulling your pudding one minute and laughing at Pat Coombs the next.
So when I turned up for filming expecting to be up to my nuts all day in top notch skirt , I discovered , instead , that my role would be a trousers-on one and that I was doing a scene set in the Neasden branch of Weightwatchers with Doris Hare and Arthur Mullard . Not so much Debbie Does Dallas as Doris Does Salad !
Bloody John Holmes had bagged all the real action . Day after day he turned up on set with his mysterious packets of almond paste ( ” I just like baking cakes in my dressing room ” ) and as soon as his bus conductor outfit was on it was off again , as he chased clippies round like there was no tomorrow - his ’ member ’ hanging out his Y - fronts like a jaundiced elephant’s trunk
But when the day came for his big scene with Mary Millington I decided to have a bit of fun of my own. Whilst he wasn’t looking I slipped into his dressing room and scoffed all his marzipan.
Holmes refused to go on set saying that he had been on the shandy at the Elstree branch of Wetherspooons the night before and couldn’t get it up. Monty Hoffman was furious.
” If Holmes can’t do it then I need a volunteer to act as his body double ,” said the director .” Who’s man enough to do it ? ”
I could see Mary Millington leaning seductively on the bonnet of an old Routemaster RCL2233. What a body , what a goer , what a ride it would be … those buses were something else !
”Any takers ? ” she said in her sexiest voice.
I opened my mouth to volunteer - but all that came out of it was about half a kilo of undigested marzipan .
Seconds later , a loud cry of ” yus my dear ” could be heard from the back of the set as , bold as bloody brass, up to the bus stepped Arthur bloomin’ Mullard.
The big man wasted no time in getting stuck in whilst the rest of us were swiftly ushered off set. 
They say that you could hear Ms Milington’s orgasmic moans a hundred miles away. Not that I would have known …I was busy on the great white telephone for an hour or two.
” Ee man you unwell ? ” said Monty Hoffman as he popped in to wash his hands at the end of shooting.
It wasn’t until later that I realised that was a job offer not a statement of fact.
But thats another story.
